So I’ve been sitting here for roughly 18 minutes trying to figure out how to put this post in my normal list form. But it just doesn’t seem good enough, and all my thoughts keep coming out in essay form so that’s what we’re gonna do. If you have a problem, please go start your own blog and complain about it there.
I recently started running/jogging/moving my ass. I’d like to say my main reason for this is because I care about leading a really healthy lifestyle and running makes me feel good. That’s about 15 percent true. The deal is that as a 23 year old who is about to graduate college (and hopefully land an amazing job *wink wink recruiters*) I feel like I need to start maintaining some sort of young adult lifestyle. And for some unknown reason I happen to think jogging is a part of that. And, for the record, so is lunch from Central Market and no less than two Happy Hours per week.
But I’m not a good runner. Infact, one might say I suck at it. And it’s not for reasons you might think. Here’s a conversation me and you might have about this:
You: Is it because you would rather stay at home and bake cookies?
Me: Nah, I still make time for cookies.
You: Oh, well is it because you have to go early in the morning?
Me: I’m going to say no, but we all know it kind of is.
You: Are you worried what other people might think?
Me: Other people can suck it.
Okay, enough of our pretend conversation (though it was lovely talking to you), the real reason why I can’t run is because I am completely 100 percent insanely crazy. Seriously. My entire run is just me fighting with myself and freaking out about nothing, it’s a wonder my head hasn’t exploded yet. I manage to turn everything into something and, frankly, that is more exhausting than the workout itself.
Allow me to give you a glimpse of what goes in my head during a morning run. This is about 90 seconds of material right here:
Crap, didn’t get up in time. The sun’s gonna shine it’s stupid little face on me now.
Which trail has the most shade? But more importantly, which trail is creeper free?
Ow. My knees shouldn’t hurt this early in. I need to steal one of Dad’s knee braces.
OH! A PUPPY!
Would it be weird to stop, turn around and chase the owner to see if I could pet her dog?
Damn, they’re too far away.
Ugh, I see the sun.
Maybe I should do an interval thingy. So like one minute of running, two of walking?
Ugh, I can’t be trusted to do that. If I stop to walk I’ll just end up taking a nap on that rock.
Ow, that sounds painful.
Go away sun. I DON’T LIKE YOU.
Oh my god, is that a…? Oh lord, please don’t let that be a snake. Oh no, no, no, no.
Is it moving. Should I keep moving? I’m going to die.
It’s a condom.
Why the eff is their a condom in the middle of this trail?
Why the eff did I mistake a condom for a snake?
I wonder how long it has been since I started. If I had good earphones that actually stayed in my ear than I could bring my iPod with me and I would know. Stupid cheap earphones.
*Sigh* I could really go for some Justin Bieber or Miley Cryus pick-me up songs right now.
I need new music.
Legs hurt real bad. Should I stop to walk? Will they hurt more if I stop? Will I ever be able to walk again?
GO AWAY SUN!
What was that?! Was that a bird? I should carry mase with me. Gah, that’s a loud stupid bird.
Shit. I need to stop watching Law&Order..it’s messing with my mind.
Okay now I’m just tired. And it hurts. Nobody is going to judge me if I stop now. And if they do, who cares?
*Stops. Turns around.*
Shit. I still have to make it back home.
DAMN IT SUN!
See? Totally crazy.
Now excuse me while I go bake some cookies and attempt to make at least six before eating all the batter.