The semester is almost over (oh hey, graduation!) and as I look back at the last couple of months I realize there are so many things I wish I could have said to people that I either a) didn’t get a chance to say or b) was too scared to say to their face because I like to pretend that I’m not mean.
Dear kid who always came to class late and then asked me what he missed; Wouldn’t it just be easier to get to class on time? I mean, it’s an 11:00 class…even if you don’t get to bed until 4 a.m. you should still be able to show up by 11:05 a.m. I drive from Austin and get there on time, so I’m sure you can do it too.
Dear campus Starbucks baristas; Just for fun why don’t we have you work a shift at the Medical Starbucks. I’ll bet you a venti white chocolate mocha that you end up on the floor of the walk-in begging for your life after a Friday morning shift.
Dear people who talk in the computer lab/library/general study areas; Nobody likes you. Even the person you are loudly talking on the phone doesn’t like you. True story.
Dear “walking texters”; Please choose one. You can either walk OR text. Because you suck at doing both at the same time. And I swear if you try to give me one more death stare after I run into you because you abruptly stopped walking in the middle of the busiest building on campus, I will throw your phone into a toilet.
Dear girl in my Tech Comm class who only wore sweats to class; I get that you’re cute and it wouldn’t matter what you wore because you’d still look cute, but have you ever considered jeans?
Dear other girl in my Tech Comm class who doesn’t seem to own pants; Please recite the following to yourself while getting dressed in the morning: “PUTTING A BELT ON A SHIRT DOES NOT MAKE IT A DRESS. DON’T FORGET TO WEAR PANTS.” P.S. I’d appreciate the 30 seconds back that I was forced to spend looking at your ass when you bent down in front of me to get a pencil.
Dear girl in the pleather miniskirt and thigh-high boots; You are being judged. Since this school does not offer Hooker 101 as a class, I’m quite certain you are not dressed for a presentation. Please keep in mind that this look only worked for Julia Roberts and that was only because we knew Richard Gere was going to help her.
Dear multiple people who almost ran me over with their car; I hate you.
Dear professors; Did you all know this was my last semester and then get together and plan how to ruin my life? It sure feels like you did. Especially you Campaigns guy, I really hope you enjoy reading the 80 page proposal I’m turning in with my group that I basically did myself (because group projects don’t really work out the way they should and everybody seems to realize that except you). No, really, please enjoy.
Dear friends I abandoned this semester; I am truly truly sorry. Please blame the professors from above. Drinks are on me next time I see you.