I never looked good in a vest anyway

I was never a Girl Scout. I tried, but didn’t get in.

Actually I take that back. I never even got a chance to try and be a Girl Scout. I was rejected from Brownies, which I’m pretty sure is the forgotten half-sister to the Scouts.

My mom says it’s because I was too cute and they didn’t want the other girls to feel bad about themselves.

Gosh, I love her.

Even when she opens the door for the same organization that rejected her pride and joy. And then makes that pride and joy deal with the little girls (who were not rejected) because she can’t say “no”.

Well, guess what? Turns out I have the same problem. Wonder where I learned that?!

So even though I told her to not answer the door, she refused to listen to me. Mostly, she was upset that I was refusing to answer it myself.

Confession: I will go out of my way to not answer our door.

There’s no specific reason for this either. Sometimes I know we’re not expecting anybody and I don’t want to deal with door-to-door salespeople. Sometimes I just can’t handle the idea that I’d have to wrestle my 80-pound dog to ground while opening the door to keep him from escaping. And other times I’m convinced the craigslist killer is outside my door and I just don’t feel like dying that day.

My mom doesn’t seem to agree with all these theories I have. But she’ll be happy when I live a full life, that doesn’t result in a lifetime movie being made about me.

Did I mention that my dog goes crazy when he hears the doorbell? Yes? Well, allow me to mention it again.

Just as sure as I am about the craigslist killer showing up at my door, my dog is sure that two  little girls in vests are going to beat me up and take all my money. So when they showed up a few days ago, I had to put him in a headlock to keep him from trampling all over them.

Although, in actuality he seemed more excited than upset. I’m pretty sure he just wanted to jump in their wagon, eat all their cookies and take a nap. But who can blame him?

Those cookies are damn good.

I made the decision to buy some new ones they had so I wouldn’t be too tempted to eat them (vegan January, remember?). Normally I’m a Samoa girl, but I’m trying this new thing called “willpower” and it’s better if I don’t see Samoas for a while.

I can’t even remember what kind I bought now. They’re sitting in my pantry somewhere. Poor little cookies probably feel lonely with nobody to eat them.

The cookies I bought are the least of my problems now, though. The worst part is that I see those girls everywhere I go. Like, seriously, everywhere. A few have set up shop at the end of my street and hold up a box every time I drive past them. I saw a group outside Walgreens the other day, accosting innocent shoppers with their sweet smiles and sugary treats. And there’s a good chance they’ve been following me to work.

Oh, and today? Well today they were outside my gym.

You try lifting weights with visions of Thin Mints in your head.

It’s devils’ work, I tell you.

Just give up. They're going to catch you.

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2 responses to “I never looked good in a vest anyway

  1. GS cookies get me every time… I too am a Samoa fiend. I tried freezing them once so I’d eat them slower but all I ended up doing was drooling as I gnawed at them, and eating them when they were still frozen so that I couldn’t taste them.

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