Here’s the thing, I never really liked you. Yet, I never really disliked you. You’re like Hilary Duff to me. I know you’re there, but I don’t really care what you do. I will admit that I watched your show from time to time and I’m like the only person in the world that has no problem admitting it’s a funny show. Did that bother you? How it was the number one show in the country, yet NOBODY would admit to watching it? That’s got to be rough, being everybody’s guilty pleasure. That puts you on par with Fabio and those cheesy romance novels he modeled for. Ouch. Although you were paid like a million dollars per episode, so I guess you probably don’t care. Maybe it bothered Jon Cryer. But then again, Jon Cryer is probably bothered by a lot these days.
And what’s with the tiger blood? If you’re going to start bringing tigers into this, could you at least be useful and answer that age old question for us? We really need to know, what DO tigers dream of? Nobody really questioned it before, but then The Hangover put it in our heads and we’re still thinking about it. I guess I could write a letter to Bradley Cooper and see if they would answer it in the sequel, but he makes me nervous. Have you seen how sexy he is? Like, damn. But since you seem to have made tigers cool again, I feel like you could answer the question for us. Cooper is probably too busy being sexy to give me a straight answer anyway.
Personally I would have been okay if you had stuck to being “normal crazy”. Like Britney Spears or Keifer Sutherland. They did messed up things, people talked about them and then they stopped. But you! You’ve taken crazy to a new level, and I don’t quite appreciate it. Why? Well because you’ve caused me to start disliking my own friends. I can refrain from watching interviews with you. I have no desire to follow you on Twitter. And I’d rather be eaten by bears than apply to be your intern. But some of my friends can’t get enough of you! This concerns me because I’m afraid I’m going to punch the next person who says “Winning!” I mean, have you seen my news feed lately? I swear every other status has the word “winning” in it. I suppose I could un-friend some of them (especially that girl who I think I went to middle school with, but have no recollection of) but I don’t want to have to do that. Why make me the bad guy, when it’s obviously your fault?!
I read an article about how your family still supports you. Do you realize how lucky you are? If I went even half as crazy as you, my parents would change their names and move to the North Pole.
I guess what I’m really asking is for you to tone down the crazy. Stop saying quotable things that will litter my Facebook and Twitter feeds. Stop hiring people to manage your crazy. And most importantly, stop me from hurting someone I may or may not have gone to middle school with.
Also, get rid of that fedora. It’s not a good look for you.